Revision of Deprived Desire Drive in Japanese

I made a song and had rewritten its Japanese version due to awkward grammar. Explanations will be  seen there later. Here is the result.

闇で座る
Here I sit in the dark
一人、コーヒーを飲んでいる
I'm alone drinking coffee

沈黙の中に、うるさすぎ
In the midst of silence, there is so much noise

僕の心は不眠の大都市
My mind’s a city that never sleeps
忙しい、ひっそりしない、なぜ?
Ever so busy, why can’t it keep still?
風のキッスは唇の温みを取る
The warmth of my lips taken away by the kiss of the breeze

アイフリズ
I freeze

静か夜。まだ暑いmug
The night is calm. My mug’s still warm
頭で人話し合っている、
People in my head are talking about
やるべきと足りないこと。
Things I must do, things that I lack
欲求の性質がなんだ？
What’s the nature of my desire?

生きたくない、死にたくない。
I don't want to live or die
笑えない、泣けない
I neither laugh nor cry
虚しい感情、no drive
I am empty, I feel no drive I…
本当も偽りも言えない
I can't say the truth or lie
いつも間違い
I'm oftentimes awry
有耶無耶。欲求はなんだ？
I feel hazy. What's my desire?

なにを感じるか？
I don't know what I feel
どう感じる、わからない
I don't know just how to feel
ただ呼吸。じっと座る
I just breathe. I sit still
温みない、心臓は病気だ
I lack warmth and my heart's ill

Lovesick。愛なし
Lovesick. Loveless.
感情的にsick
Emotionally sick

明日しごと、やるべきある
I work tomorrow, I have things to do

[interlude]

うるさい!　うるさいすぎ。
Quiet! So much noise

僕の心は不眠の大都市
My mind’s a city that never sleeps
忙しい、ひっそりしない、なぜ?
Ever so busy, why can’t it keep still?
まだ冷たい。ぼくのmug空
I am still cold. My mug is empty
飲み干したみたい、
Seem I have drank all

マイコーヒー
My coffee

希望死んだ。さきになんだ？
My hope is dead. What lies ahead?
不要な欲望。考えている
Cravings unwanted. I am thinking about
こと抑制した、抑圧した
Things I suppressed. Things I repressed
欲求の性質がなんだ？
What’s the nature of my desire?

生きたくない、死にたくない。
I don't want to live or die
笑えない、泣けない
I neither laugh nor cry
虚しい感情、no drive
I am empty, I feel no drive I…
本当も偽りも言えない
I can't say the truth or lie
いつも間違い
I'm oftentimes awry
有耶無耶。欲求はなんだ？
I feel hazy. What's my desire?

なにを感じるか？
I don't know what I feel
どう感じる、わからない
I don't know just how to feel
ただ呼吸。じっと座る
I just breathe. I sit still
感情が ない...
I am numb...

いきます
I'll be gone

Explanations:

Old: 闇え座る

New: 闇で座る
English equivalent: Here I sit in the dark

The particle え is not for verbs like 座る. え is for direction

Old: 静寂の中にうるさいすぎ

New: 沈黙の中に、うるさすぎ

English equivalent: In the midst of silence, there is so much noise

静寂 is not a frequently used word. It was meant for stillness. 沈黙 rather has a closer meaning. うるさいすぎ is turned into うるさすぎ. The latter feels unnatural.

Old: 僕の心は不眠の都市

New: 僕の心は不眠の大都市
English equivalent: My mind’s a city that never sleeps

My decision to add 大 to 都市 is caused by 都市 being a homophone of 年. This creates confusion. furthermore, I originally meant a huge noisy city... hence this: 大都市

Old: 忙しい、静かない、なぜ?

New: 忙しい、ひっそりしない、なぜ?
English equivalent: Ever so busy, why can’t it keep still?

静かない means "not silent", but the grammar is wrong. And also, the grammar makes 静かない mean "no silence". ひっそりしない is rather close "stillness". ひっそりしない literally means "(it) is not still".

Old: やすい夜。まだ暑いmug

New: 静か夜。まだ暑いmug

English equivalent: The night is calm. My mug’s still warm

The author meant either "gentle", "easy", or "calm" when he wrote やすい. But it can also mean "cheap". Whilst  静か can mean "silent", it also means "calm"

Old: 思いの役者は話し合っている、

New: 頭で人話し合っている、

English equivalent: People in my head are talking about

思いの役者 can literally mean "actors of thoughts". I was thinking of characters like the personified emotions from Inside Out. But this feels off. 頭で人話し合っている is too "compressed", when read it looks like "person in head discussing...". But a discussion requires people, not a person alone. The か particle is omitted but implied. So many omissions were done due to the melodic and meter constraints within the song. When reinterpreted completely, it is 頭の中で人々か話し合っている which will fully mean the English equivalent.

Old: やるべきと足りないもの。

New: やるべきと足りないこと。

English equivalent: Things I must do, things that I lack

The "things" are non-tangible. May pertain to love and other abstract concepts or sentiments. Hence こと is used rather than もの

Old: 願いの性質がなんだ？

New: 欲求の性質がなんだ？
English equivalent: What’s the nature of my desire?

願い means "wish", though may also mean "desire". 欲求 is much better and stronger in this context when I want to mean "desire"

Old: 虚しい感じる、no drive

New: 虚しい感情、no drive
English equivalent: I am empty, I feel no drive I…

虚しい感じる seems not good for grammar. Its meaning looks like "The emptiness feels". 虚しい感情 is somewhat better; it literally means "Empty feelings" which may be similar to "I am (feeling) empty". I could do 虚しく感じる so the grammar will be correct and it'll mean "I feel empty". However, 虚しく感じる already gives another syllable, it'll hurt the melody.

Old: 本当と偽りを言えらない

New: 本当も偽りも言えない

English equivalent: I can't say the truth or lie

Using を to 本当と偽り to a potential verb like 言えない feels so wrong in grammar. が can replace を here to correct it.  本当と偽りを言えらない can mean "I can't say the truth and lie" which can confuse some readers. They may interpret it as "I can't say the truth. I can only either be silent or lie." which is wrong. I really meant here "I cannot say the truth. I also cannot lie.", so I made use of the particle  も to essentially capture the sentiment.

Old: 感じるほうわからない

New: どう感じる、わからない

English equivalent: I don't know just how to feel

感じるほう feels off here. This was the time I have not realised Japanese grammar and used Google translate badly. What I really meant here was the thought "I needed to be taught how to feel or have the ability to feel".  どう感じる、わからない is better. ほう here means "direction" or "side" rather than "manner". どう is better for that "how". Like "how are you?"

Old: 温いない、心臓は病気だ

New: 温みない。心臓は病気だ

English equivalent: I lack warmth and my heart's ill

What I meant by 温いない is "Not warm", but the grammar is wrong. When corrected, it'll be 温くくない, but it will hurt the melody. Also, 温い is a Kansai-ben word. 温み is much better here since it literally means warmth... and it is a noun.  温みない means "(There's) no warmth";  が is omitted here by poetic license. Any other word for warmth will hurt the melody.

Old: うるさい!　うるさいすぎ。

New: うるさい!　うるさすぎ。

English equivalent: Quiet! So much noise

Again, うるさいすご feels wrong. Also, this line is a rough translation. うるさい! maybe an interjection, but it demands silence. "Quiet!" is both an interjection and an imperative verb.

Old: 不要な欲求。考えている

New: 不要な欲望。考えている

English equivalent: Cravings unwanted. I am thinking about

欲求 means "desire", but may also mean "craving". 欲望 is better when I really mean "craving"; it has more pang to it.

Old: 感情のない...

New: 感情が ない...

English equivalent: I am numb...

Again, 感情のない was from a stupid Google Translation. The Japanese word for numb has too much syllable, so I used 感情が ない to mean "There's no emotion".

I shall have used Github next time and Github can see the differences between edits. But I was writing a song here, not a source code of a program.